‘I don’t stop unless I drop’, says the binge eating champion. A Q & A with a ‘buffet buff’ reveals some secrets and tips… and some dark truths… for this dining option.
Binge Eating Expert Writes About His Success
The following is an excerpt from Billiams Gartleman’s new book: ‘Setbacks.. and how to GET BACK… to breaking consumption records’:
It was October 23. 3:47 pm. Billiams ‘Billy the Binge kid’ Gartleman walked slowly back up to the sushi section of Cedar Valley PA Smorgasbord. It was his umpteenth food run at this particular buffet trip. He’d lost count already. He never loses count. Why was it always Cedar that had him struggling? He liked it too much, maybe. Maybe it was the Bread Bucket. Bread was never a good idea at a buffet. Reach for the bread, you’re dead. It was his motto for 19 years now. But the bakery here was just too. Damn. Good. The bastards. They’d got him. They won. I win. I win dammit! I’ll try every single plate in this place even if I…
Billiams arrives, wheeled out in a stretcher.
Note: This was a low point in Billiams’ binging Career. We sat down with the legend at the Cedar Valley Smorgasbord in Cedar Valley, PA. Billiams will be identified as “Billiam” and our reporter as “Guay”.
Billiam: This is the place, right here. I’ve had some of my biggest gets here.
Guay: Yes I read that in your book. But what is it that keeps you going?
Billiam: Finding that next spot. Breaking that next record. Sharing my secrets to the next generation. I’m actually starting a new group, ‘Billy’s Binge kids’ where we go to various Rural parts of PA, and collect up some aspiring Binge boys. I tell ya, PA has some of the biggest goddamn buffets… and people… in the world. I’m even surprised at the size of these kids.
Guay: …Interesting. But first, what inspired you to do this?
Billiam: It’s all about getting the value. ‘All you can eat’. And eat I do, bubby. Every. Single. Item. And how do I fit it all in? Well, I’ll be honest. I have had several health emergencies. But I count those as achievements, as any binger should. I’ve achieved several disorders and organ shut-downs. Not many can say the same. Can they, bubby?
Guay: Well, my name’s Brian, but no I doubt they could.
Binge Eating Tips from the Pro
Billiam: Listen, I was just like you. I went into a buffet with wide eyed naivety. Kid in a candy store. I couldn’t possibly try everything. Right? Wrong. But you gotta follow the principles. The ‘Bingeciples’.
Guay: I think I may legally be required to ask more about this kids program.
Billiam: My Binge Kids. BBK. It’s spread to 6 different county fairs. And there’s a deeper meaning. You might be too thick to get it, but I’m teaching values. Street smarts. I eat for their future. I eat for justice. Social justice.
Guay: I think you may be confused about what ‘justice’ is. Some would see this as gluttony.
Billiam: Ah yes… Judge me. Throw your stones. Obviously you’ve lived a sheltered life. Surrounded by liberal comforts, you haven’t seen the injustices I have. These kids… they’re part of a new generation. Waste not, want not. That’s my motto. I’ve actually heard quite a few folks use it. It went viral.
Guay: Just… nevermind.
The Real Hunger Behind Binge Eating
Billiam: You’re confused, bubby. I see it in your pampered, well-to-do eyes. Just think of all the animals, shackled, crammed in close quarters. All that slaughter. If I could, I’d eat every last delicious, abused one. They can’t die for nothing. The children. Puppies. The needy. I eat… for the ones who can’t.
Guay: You can’t be serious.
Billiam: Just listen. These loaded mashed potatoes are a digestive aid. The bacon acts as a lubricant for the bowels and ass. And the cheese. Oh lord. I’m getting the cheese sweats.
Guay: Yes you are definitely sweating… I should go. You don’t look too well.
Billiam: I’m just having a little starch attack. I’ll finish. Finish what you start. Another motto of mine. If I don’t finish, who knows? Will I be kidnapped and thrown into a strange pit where I’m starved and unfed? I must eat for future starvation, for future offspring, although I am at this point medically unfit to produce children.
Lo! Behold the glory of the buffet. Behold the gravy. For I will not go gently into that good n…
Billiam was then wheeled out in a stretcher. Brian would like to urge our readers that we do not condone his teachings. Billy is fine, and is recuperating with a weekend long ‘healing’ binge: