Candy Canes vs Candy Corn. The great battle of holiday treat supremacy. We polled the Full Belly Laughs listeners and discuss this debate on today’s episode. Here are some of the talking points made by both sides of the discussion.
Why Candy Canes Are Awesome
Candy canes are synonymous with Christmas, which might just be the best holiday. It’s that special time of year when parents can help you out without feeling like enablers. I enjoy Christmas because I love giving gifts, and having more than one pair of socks without holes in them. Candy canes embody all of this joy, and it’s a hard for corn to be as satisfying. You can also sharpen them into daggers which is dope.
In the department of flavor varieties, it’s no contest in the battle of candy canes vs candy corn. These micro walking sticks were made for flavoring, and they’ll flavor right over you. Everyone is familiar with peppermint, but candy canes come in more styles than craft beer. As Americans it’s hard to argue against freedom of choice.
Why Candy Canes Are Ass
But a lot of us also hate beer flights. Why would I want to taste a bunch of terrible stuff? Just give me my America back, I mean Budwiser, and call it a day. In the battle of candy canes vs candy corn, sure the canes have more flavors but most are terrible. Each year blogs write up lists of the most outrageous flavors. So peppermint might be banging, but gravy-flavored candy canes bring the average down a lot.
Candy canes also take forever to eat. Unless you have no soul, most people suck on these Jesus treats as opposed to chomping away. Anyone that’s gone down on a tense partner knows extended sucking can get old fast. But you just can’t leave it sticky and wet and come back later. You need to commit to finishing it.
Why Candy Corn is the Bee’s Knees
They travel well and you can just get a pop whenever. For the sugar addict on the go, candy corn provides a nice quick fix. Candy canes vs candy corn is no contest when it comes to stability. Like Mr. Glass, the canes shatter at the slightest touch. The tri-colored confectioner’s wax is as sturdy as The Blob. Ain’t nothing going to move them jawns. Don’t forget they have a vegetable in the name, so candy corn have to be more healthy than other treats.
It’s the modern man’s treat. In the battle of candy canes vs candy corn, the candy sticks are ancient compared to the sugar maize. The first candy canes appeared in the 1600s. Candy corn on the other hand is a young 130+ years old.
Why Candy Corn is Booty Butt Cheeks
Easy. They taste like wax. When I looked up the ingredients it literally includes something called confectioner’s wax. I’m not sure what that could be, but I guarantee it makes anything taste like candy corn. It’s well known in the American culture that candy corn does not have the best taste. Lewis Black did a long bit about how candy corn continues to trick him into eating it. In case you are thinking about trying it again, let me just say this: what if had an accurate name, like butt corn? Because it tastes like butt. Would you still try it then?
Worst of all candy corn can’t even participate in its seasonal holiday. Halloween is about going door to door and raiding a neighborhood of their treats. Notice how no one ever gives out candy corn. Now of course this is in part because all Halloween candy needs to be safe. But would you really want an old lady to hand you vacuum-sealed candy corn?
Candy Canes vs Candy Corn
Where do you stand on this debate? Let us know by tweeting @fullbellylaughs.
Holiday Treat Team
We got jokes and opinions on holiday candy.
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Garlic Parmesan Wings
We made these jawns before, and they were so dang tasty we made them again. Check out the first time we busted out these bad boys here.
Live Performances of the Podcast
We doing it live at the Philly Improv Theater on the first Thursday of January. We got a Chromecast to give away, plus a bunch of dumb presents I don’t need in my apartment. It’s going to be a great show, so make sure to get your tickets now.
As always thank you for reading and listening. You could have done anything with your time, but you choose to hang out with us. Thank you for that. Hope you had a wonderful holiday, and may the rest of 2016 be kind to you.