Joan lives next door in the big house with all the plants. She has never left her hometown but uses dubious French words to try to make you think otherwise. She still says, “Oriental,” and means it. You know this because she likes to spy on the Korean family across the street and then tell you about it. “They were watching baseball, just like us!” Oh, Joan.
Joan’s book club/beginner’s Yoga class just read Eat, Pray, Love for what seems like the eighteenth time. All she can talk about is temples, spices and anything Oprah ever said about the book.
Of course, as soon as you get back from vacation, Joan wants all the details. Never mind the fact that you were at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun. Joan wants to know everything about the culture, the customs and the food. Three things you definitely did not experience on your booze-filled weekend. So she’s having you, world traveler, over for lunch, but you’re not so sure she has the best taste. You’re pretty certain you’ve seen her eat tuna out of the can.
So what kind of food do you make for the least adventurous adventurer you know? More importantly, what do you want to eat? You can bet Joan will be totally blown away by how exotic this chicken salad gets. Bon appetit!
Curried Chicken Salad Recipe
These are the steps to making curried chicken salad for Joan.
- Get out a fuckton of Indian Spices: curry, cumin, cardamom, coriander, turmeric, chili powder, cloves, allspice, and fresh ginger. If you don’t have any of these items, you can probably find them at your local spice shop, or ask any white person with a liberal arts degree. I’m sure they have some.
- Rub that delicious dust, plus plenty of salt and pepper, on 3lbs of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
- Throw your chicken boobs in a large Ziploc bag or Tupperware container.
- Slather with the juice and zest of one lemon, olive oil and a splash of white wine. Smush it around a bunch until fully incorporated.
- Throw it all in the fridge and let marinate for as long as it takes you to drink the whole bottle of white wine. Joan would want it that way.
- Go spy on Joan through the kitchen window while you finish off the wine. She is at her table learning Italian from a book on tape. Yes. Tape.
- Consider buying Joan a subscription to Audible.
- Quit giggling long enough to preheat the oven to 350°F.
- Roast those breasts in the oven til done (30-40 minutes).
- Open up a bottle of whiskey and pour yourself a glass. See what Joan is up to.
- Joan is looking back at you into your kitchen.
- Be cool.
- Pretend you were making a phone call into the nearest loaf of bread. Go back to cooking.
- Your boobs should be cooked through by now.
- Rest yo breasts until they’re cool and cube them like Picasso.
- Check on Joan – she is rearranging her collection of Russian nesting dolls while spying on the Korean neighbors. Good.
- In a large mixing bowl, combine Greek yogurt, curry powder, halved red grapes, chopped walnuts, celery, red onion, raisins, and sliced radish.
- Think about how it’ll blow her fucking mind that you didn’t use mayonnaise. Do a shot because you’re a genius.
- Add the chicken to the Greek yogurt mixture. Finish with a little more fresh ginger and lemon zest.
- Do a shot for having fresh ginger on hand, you classy motherfucker, you.
- Salt and pepper to taste, but try to do it over your shoulder.
- Have a cup of coffee. You’re hammered.
- Wash and prepare whole romaine leaves and fill with chicken salad mixture.
- Hey, Joan, ever have a sandwich without bread? HUH, JOAN? HAVE YOU?
- GARNISH WITH SOME GODDAMN PARSLEY.
- Sorry. Calm back down. Have another cup of coffee.
Et VOILA! Curried chicken salad to take your crazy neighbor on a culinary journey. A journey she’ll never actually take in real life because she’s scared of basically everything. Now when you go over for lunch, you won’t have to face the gas station “charcuterie,” (i.e. Slim Jims and cheddar cubes). Joan is impressed with your vacation stories as well as your culinary prowess. Success!